1
00:00:03,102 --> 00:00:05,103
[♪]
2
00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,308
Man [on radio]:
Hey, chicago,
3
00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:18,376
What a day for a daydream.
4
00:01:18,377 --> 00:01:21,213
Show me an unhappy man today,
and I'll show you a--
5
00:01:31,657 --> 00:01:33,758
A shoe salesman, jim.
6
00:01:33,759 --> 00:01:36,695
Twentieth-century blacksmith,
a working man,
7
00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:38,429
An idiot.
8
00:01:38,430 --> 00:01:40,866
I'll feel better after
I have a nice cup of coffee.
9
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:52,677
[sighs]
10
00:02:03,522 --> 00:02:05,656
Life is good.
11
00:02:07,726 --> 00:02:08,927
Hi, honey.
12
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:10,862
Heh-heh.
Did you miss me?
13
00:02:10,863 --> 00:02:12,531
With every bullet so far.
14
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,133
Well,
15
00:02:16,134 --> 00:02:18,903
Maybe you need
a bigger gun, sweetheart.
16
00:02:18,904 --> 00:02:21,840
Not that I don't love
your itty-bitty one.
17
00:02:23,342 --> 00:02:25,744
What got you up
before noon, peg?
18
00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:28,380
Oh, a foul, evil wind.
19
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:32,484
You were snoring through
your nose, mouth and ears.
20
00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:35,353
But I forgive you
because today is the day
21
00:02:35,354 --> 00:02:39,257
The new fall preview issue
of tv guide comes out.
22
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Oh, look at it, al.
It's still warm.
23
00:02:42,195 --> 00:02:43,195
Mm-hm.
24
00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:45,363
Well, pass it over
my coffee.
25
00:02:45,364 --> 00:02:47,699
Are you so jaded
that even the new tv season
26
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,301
Doesn't get you going?
27
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,169
I mean, look
at these new shows.
28
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,338
"everything's
comin' up maggie.
29
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,540
High jinks ensue
when maggie--"
30
00:02:55,541 --> 00:02:56,575
Chastity bono.
31
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,343
[chuckles]
32
00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,144
"--accidentally
becomes vice president
33
00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:01,613
Of the United States."
34
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:03,281
Saturdays.
35
00:03:03,282 --> 00:03:04,982
Ooh, and look.
36
00:03:04,983 --> 00:03:06,751
"we are family.
37
00:03:06,752 --> 00:03:09,654
A chinese family
with three children."
38
00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:14,226
[laughing]
oh. I get it.
39
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:16,194
We are fami-lee.
40
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:19,297
[laughs]
41
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:21,700
Ah, jesus.
42
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,735
It's here!
It's here!
43
00:03:27,272 --> 00:03:28,773
My high school diploma.
44
00:03:28,774 --> 00:03:30,475
I couldn't wait
for the mailman to come,
45
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:33,144
So I just took it
out of his truck.
46
00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,580
I am a high school graduate.
47
00:03:37,349 --> 00:03:38,416
Read it to me, mom.
48
00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:41,519
What does it say?
What does it say?
49
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,055
Oh, al,
isn't this exciting?
50
00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:45,757
Oh, leave me alone.
51
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:53,698
Good morning,
everybody.
52
00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:56,568
Any chicks call for me
this morning?
53
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,602
Yeah, the, uh,
54
00:03:57,603 --> 00:04:01,306
Malaysian mail-order bride
company called.
55
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,307
No takers.
56
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,075
Apparently,
even poor, hungry women
57
00:04:04,076 --> 00:04:07,479
From the third world
think they can do better.
58
00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:11,983
Yuck it up,
future welfare mother.
59
00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:17,221
The babes will be
calling aplenty soon.
60
00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:18,456
I'm a senior now.
61
00:04:20,559 --> 00:04:22,693
A mover.
A shaker.
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00:04:22,694 --> 00:04:24,996
I'm the man.
63
00:04:24,997 --> 00:04:27,866
I've got the juice.
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00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,033
Yup.
65
00:04:29,034 --> 00:04:30,168
When I was a freshman,
66
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:32,670
They flushed my head
down the toilet.
67
00:04:32,671 --> 00:04:34,105
When I was a sophomore,
68
00:04:34,106 --> 00:04:36,607
They flushed my head
down the toilet.
69
00:04:36,608 --> 00:04:39,010
When I was a junior,
I was getting cool,
70
00:04:39,011 --> 00:04:41,212
So they let me
flush it myself.
71
00:04:43,315 --> 00:04:47,451
But now, I'm a senior
and ready to rule.
72
00:04:47,452 --> 00:04:50,688
This year, he's back.
73
00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:54,159
He's cool. He's dry.
74
00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,799
Until he goes to sleep.
75
00:05:03,135 --> 00:05:06,337
Oh, al, our little man.
Heh-heh-heh.
76
00:05:06,338 --> 00:05:07,438
Go away.
77
00:05:07,439 --> 00:05:09,207
[knock on door]
78
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:10,741
I'm home!
79
00:05:14,713 --> 00:05:17,482
Marcie,
you don't live here.
80
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,850
I know.
81
00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:21,753
No one actually
lives here.
82
00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,422
I meant I'm back
from my two weeks' vacation.
83
00:05:28,226 --> 00:05:29,994
You didn't know
I was gone?
84
00:05:33,565 --> 00:05:36,901
So you didn't remember
to air out my house,
85
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:40,304
Or water the plants,
or feed the goldfish?
86
00:05:42,307 --> 00:05:43,574
[speaks indistinctly]
87
00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:47,578
Oh, well. At least
my life is back on track.
88
00:05:47,579 --> 00:05:49,680
I spent my two weeks off
at a seminar:
89
00:05:49,681 --> 00:05:51,716
"you are what you were."
90
00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:54,318
So you are a chicken.
91
00:05:56,955 --> 00:05:59,057
With a bad haircut.
92
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,894
You know, that would have
bothered me before,
93
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:04,195
When I was what I'm not.
94
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:06,698
But now that I am
what I was,
95
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,467
I was what I am.
96
00:06:09,468 --> 00:06:11,669
Stand back, she's getting ready
to eat spinach,
97
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:14,706
And then her tattoo
will get all big.
98
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:19,243
You moron, it's not
I yam what I yam.
99
00:06:19,244 --> 00:06:20,512
That's '80s.
100
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:22,414
The point is, I'm confident
101
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,348
And renewed.
102
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:24,783
So confident,
in fact,
103
00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:28,586
That I stopped by my bank
and demanded my old job back.
104
00:06:28,587 --> 00:06:32,724
And after 20 minutes of frugging
on my boss' desk in my slip,
105
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,993
While the other tellers
tossed quarters at me,
106
00:06:35,994 --> 00:06:38,562
I am once again
what I was:
107
00:06:38,563 --> 00:06:40,832
A dignified bank manager.
108
00:06:43,102 --> 00:06:44,401
[laughs]
109
00:06:44,402 --> 00:06:46,170
Ah, gee, al,
isn't this great?
110
00:06:46,171 --> 00:06:48,439
Everybody has the start
of a whole new life,
111
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,908
Except for you and the dog.
112
00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,143
[barking]
113
00:07:03,922 --> 00:07:07,624
Well, that all but throws
the dirt in my face.
114
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:10,027
Everybody,
I have an announcement.
115
00:07:10,028 --> 00:07:11,729
Your happiness
116
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Sickens me.
117
00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:17,101
Everybody but me
is looking at good times.
118
00:07:17,102 --> 00:07:18,535
But for me,
it's been one
119
00:07:18,536 --> 00:07:21,372
Long continuous year
since I got married.
120
00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:23,741
Actually,
one long month.
121
00:07:23,742 --> 00:07:26,010
Helluary.
122
00:07:26,011 --> 00:07:28,112
But I'm not bold enough
to expect happiness.
123
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I know that wasn't meant
for me.
124
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:32,383
But what I'd like one time
in my life
125
00:07:32,384 --> 00:07:34,451
Is for something new
to happen to me.
126
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Something special.
127
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:37,922
You're right, honey.
128
00:07:37,923 --> 00:07:39,623
You know what you need?
129
00:07:39,624 --> 00:07:41,725
A good night job.
130
00:07:45,431 --> 00:07:47,164
Is that all I am to you?
131
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An oxen to be worked
in the field
132
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Until he drops dead?
133
00:07:51,603 --> 00:07:52,970
Well, gee, honey.
134
00:07:52,971 --> 00:07:55,607
What did you think
you were to us?
135
00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,775
Well, perhaps husband,
136
00:07:57,776 --> 00:07:59,444
Perhaps father.
137
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:01,112
Perhaps the man who's
about to run amuck
138
00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:03,781
With a meat cleaver
if he doesn't have any fun!
139
00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:07,885
Now, family,
I've just made a decision.
140
00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:10,421
We're going on a labor day
vacation.
141
00:08:10,422 --> 00:08:11,389
Oh, no way.
Aw.
Aw.
142
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,091
Shut up.
143
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:18,396
But, honey, what about
the new tv season?
144
00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:20,331
I do not want to miss
the special premiere
145
00:08:20,332 --> 00:08:22,967
Of grandmaster
and the gopher.
146
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:25,904
"it's an hour drama
with comic overtones
147
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:28,572
"about a rapper who goes
to the center of the earth
148
00:08:28,573 --> 00:08:31,776
And raps
with the mole people."
149
00:08:31,777 --> 00:08:35,179
Oh, and look.
Sally struthers is the queen.
150
00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:37,548
Oh, mom.
151
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:38,616
[laughs]
152
00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:40,918
I am talking
about vacation,
153
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,586
Litter of my loins.
154
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:46,657
Now, I shall tell you
where we will holiday.
155
00:08:46,658 --> 00:08:49,293
We're gonna go where people
pretend they want to go
156
00:08:49,294 --> 00:08:51,795
When they can't afford
to go someplace good.
157
00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:54,131
We're gonna see america.
158
00:08:54,132 --> 00:08:56,434
We take no map,
we'll follow the sun.
159
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,068
We'll stay in cheap motels
160
00:08:58,069 --> 00:09:01,405
And steal what we need
along the way.
161
00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:02,873
We go west,
162
00:09:02,874 --> 00:09:05,809
Past the cheese factories,
where the air is fresh,
163
00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:07,378
Sky is big,
164
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:11,148
And a man can still kill
his dinner with his car.
165
00:09:11,149 --> 00:09:14,785
Guys, tomorrow,
we put the pedal to the metal,
166
00:09:14,786 --> 00:09:18,055
And we ride with the wind.
167
00:09:18,056 --> 00:09:20,057
[engines idling]
168
00:09:29,701 --> 00:09:31,469
[horns honk in distance]
169
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,977
Gee, al, uh,
think you could slow down?
170
00:09:43,548 --> 00:09:47,185
My hair is just
whipping in the wind.
171
00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,954
He's not scaring you,
is he, kids?
172
00:09:49,955 --> 00:09:51,188
Sorry, mom.
173
00:09:51,189 --> 00:09:55,293
I couldn't hear you
over the roar of the engine.
174
00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,128
Come on, leave daddy alone.
175
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,596
I mean, how could
he possibly know
176
00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:02,466
That there would be
a traffic jam on labor day?
177
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:04,669
Shut up.
178
00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:09,674
Al, we have not moved
an inch in two hours.
179
00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:11,676
Peg, I can hear
that in our bedroom.
180
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,282
Now, just shut up
and let me enjoy myself.
181
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:21,119
I could hear that
in our bedroom too, honey.
182
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,522
[chuckles]
183
00:10:24,523 --> 00:10:27,691
Ah, I'm not gonna let you
ruin this for me, peg.
184
00:10:27,692 --> 00:10:31,328
Yep, this is my vacation,
and I'm havin' fun.
185
00:10:32,064 --> 00:10:33,964
[takes a deep breath]
186
00:10:33,965 --> 00:10:36,033
I'm lovin' this.
187
00:10:37,402 --> 00:10:39,737
[horn honks]
move! Move!
188
00:10:39,738 --> 00:10:41,772
I can't take anymore.
189
00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:43,708
[sobbing]
oh, god, you're killing me.
190
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:45,442
Move! Move!
[horn honks]
191
00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:48,145
[honks]
192
00:10:57,522 --> 00:10:58,789
Daddy?
193
00:11:00,091 --> 00:11:01,926
What?
194
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:03,894
Are we there yet?
195
00:11:06,331 --> 00:11:07,698
If you don't shut up,
196
00:11:07,699 --> 00:11:11,001
I'm gonna put the car
in park and just sit here.
197
00:11:11,002 --> 00:11:13,838
Both:
Oooh!
198
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:16,506
Peg, could you control them?
I'm trying to drive.
199
00:11:17,642 --> 00:11:20,344
Will we be back
by next Thursday, honey?
200
00:11:20,345 --> 00:11:21,411
Look.
201
00:11:21,412 --> 00:11:22,546
"nun of this.
202
00:11:22,547 --> 00:11:24,448
"about a nun
who's had enough.
203
00:11:27,018 --> 00:11:29,519
"karen valentine
is sister lash.
204
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,223
Your worst nightmare:
A nun with a gun."
205
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:34,325
Enough, woman!
206
00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:36,861
Now, I know what'll take
our minds off this.
207
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,796
How 'bout
a family sing-along?
208
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:39,931
Well, I don't know, honey.
209
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:41,199
You sure you can sing
210
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,634
And pay attention to the road
at the same time?
211
00:11:43,635 --> 00:11:46,838
Don't make me
pull over, peg.
212
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:49,073
Okay. With me.
213
00:11:49,074 --> 00:11:51,675
♪ oh, the cow kicked nellie
in the belly in the barn ♪
214
00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:53,844
♪ oh, the cow kicked nellie
in the belly in the barn ♪
215
00:11:53,845 --> 00:11:55,846
♪ the cow kicked nellie
in the belly in the barn ♪
216
00:11:55,847 --> 00:11:57,982
♪ and the farmer said
it would do no harm ♪
217
00:11:57,983 --> 00:11:59,917
♪ second verse
same as the first ♪
218
00:11:59,918 --> 00:12:01,785
♪ a little bit louder
but a little bit worse ♪
219
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:03,221
Everybody.
220
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,756
♪ oh, the cow kicked nellie
in the belly in the barn-- ♪
221
00:12:05,757 --> 00:12:06,958
Man:
Hey!
222
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:08,859
Would you shut
the hell up!
223
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:13,564
Are you talking
to me?
224
00:12:13,565 --> 00:12:16,066
No. I'm yelling
at you.
225
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,635
Shut the hell up!
226
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:20,437
♪ oh ♪
227
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:22,707
All:
♪ the cow kicked nellie
in the belly in the barn ♪
228
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:24,408
♪ the cow kicked nellie
in the belly ♪
229
00:12:24,409 --> 00:12:25,843
♪ in the barn ♪
hey, I said...
230
00:12:27,445 --> 00:12:28,779
Shut up!
231
00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:32,616
And if I don't?
232
00:12:32,617 --> 00:12:35,319
Then you'll be gummin'
"the cow kicked nellie."
233
00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:39,390
Take the wheel, peg.
234
00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:43,261
Now, look, pal,
235
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,029
If you want trouble
with me, you--
236
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:46,097
[yells]
237
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,198
Peg:
Honey!
238
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,734
Al!
239
00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:52,369
Honey, we are in the middle
of the expressway.
240
00:12:52,370 --> 00:12:54,438
Yes, gerry, don't you have
anything better to do
241
00:12:54,439 --> 00:12:56,741
Than to pick a fight
with a moron?
242
00:12:59,177 --> 00:13:01,445
Just who are you
calling moron?
243
00:13:01,446 --> 00:13:03,714
Your husband,
you painted huss--
244
00:13:04,449 --> 00:13:05,583
[screams]
245
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:06,550
Fight!
246
00:13:06,551 --> 00:13:08,252
Kelly:
Whoo! Yeah!
247
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:24,034
[woman yelping]
248
00:13:24,035 --> 00:13:25,469
Gerry!
249
00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:27,205
Gerry! Gerry!
250
00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,740
[engines starting]
251
00:13:30,742 --> 00:13:31,775
Al!
252
00:13:31,776 --> 00:13:33,343
We're moving!
253
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,214
Come on, honey.
Let's go.
254
00:13:41,653 --> 00:13:43,220
Here we go.
255
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,565
Is that it?
256
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,667
Yeah.
257
00:13:56,668 --> 00:13:57,869
Let's go.
258
00:13:59,137 --> 00:14:00,838
Honey, I'm just gonna
reason with him.
259
00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:03,340
After all, we're human beings,
right? We're not animals--
260
00:14:09,914 --> 00:14:11,915
[fly buzzing]
261
00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:25,262
Oh, please.
262
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:27,565
What's wrong
with you people?
263
00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:29,333
All right, so I made
a teeny little mistake
264
00:14:29,334 --> 00:14:31,635
Actually leaving
on labor day, but it's done.
265
00:14:31,636 --> 00:14:34,204
We're in hell,
let's enjoy it.
266
00:14:34,205 --> 00:14:36,941
It's our vacation,
for god's sake.
267
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,909
Just look around.
268
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:40,410
Tell me what you see.
269
00:14:42,447 --> 00:14:44,648
I can see our house.
270
00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:48,118
Great, dad.
271
00:14:48,119 --> 00:14:51,321
Five hours on the road
and we're almost home.
272
00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:52,823
Dope.
Idiot.
273
00:14:52,824 --> 00:14:53,858
Buffoon.
274
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:55,325
I-I got another idea.
275
00:14:55,326 --> 00:14:58,262
Oh, put up the top,
so we don't get a windburn?
276
00:14:58,263 --> 00:15:00,297
That's it! I'm flooring it
right into this bus!
277
00:15:00,298 --> 00:15:01,365
Dad, no!
No, dad!
278
00:15:01,366 --> 00:15:02,533
No, no, no, al!
279
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,268
Honey, no, no, it's okay.
We love you.
280
00:15:04,269 --> 00:15:05,703
What's your idea,
sweetie?
281
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:08,038
We love you, daddy.
282
00:15:08,039 --> 00:15:11,208
Well, uh, I was gonna say,
let's play geography.
283
00:15:11,209 --> 00:15:13,043
You know, I'll name
a state or a country,
284
00:15:13,044 --> 00:15:14,612
And the next person
names one
285
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,947
That begins with the letter
the last one ended with.
286
00:15:16,948 --> 00:15:18,382
Sound good?
287
00:15:18,383 --> 00:15:19,617
Sounds great.
288
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:21,318
Oh, man,
let's play.
289
00:15:21,319 --> 00:15:22,687
You start, daddy.
290
00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,321
Okay.
291
00:15:24,322 --> 00:15:26,323
Alaska.
292
00:15:26,324 --> 00:15:28,359
A.
293
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,426
Peg?
294
00:15:30,261 --> 00:15:31,929
Asia.
295
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,931
Bud? A.
296
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:35,900
Africa.
297
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,135
Kel? A.
298
00:15:41,205 --> 00:15:43,541
Honey,
she's really trying.
299
00:15:46,177 --> 00:15:48,546
I know. I know.
300
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:50,113
Hey, we need
some music.
301
00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:51,415
That'll get us
out of this.
302
00:15:51,416 --> 00:15:53,684
How 'bout some good old
american road music?
303
00:15:55,119 --> 00:15:56,720
[mariachi music playing]
304
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:02,693
[dial changes]
305
00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:05,429
[woman singing in spanish]
306
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,901
[turns off radio]
307
00:16:13,071 --> 00:16:14,472
Al?
308
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:15,739
What?
309
00:16:17,141 --> 00:16:19,577
Honey, I have to go
to the bathroom.
310
00:16:19,578 --> 00:16:20,845
But don't you worry
about it.
311
00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:22,546
I-- I'm just gonna run
back to the house,
312
00:16:22,547 --> 00:16:23,747
And I'll be right back.
313
00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:33,724
Alabammer.
314
00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:35,692
Daddy. R.
315
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,068
[crickets chirping]
316
00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:49,106
[car horn honks
in distance]
317
00:16:49,107 --> 00:16:50,674
Hello.
Heh-heh-heh.
318
00:16:50,675 --> 00:16:52,209
Hi.
319
00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:53,743
Oh.
320
00:16:59,784 --> 00:17:01,385
Boy, that takes me back.
321
00:17:01,386 --> 00:17:02,619
[chuckles]
322
00:17:05,856 --> 00:17:08,359
Oh, hello, everybody.
323
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,960
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
324
00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:13,230
But I, uh--
I took a nap and ate and--
325
00:17:13,231 --> 00:17:16,634
Oh, watched the premiere
of all-night security dude.
326
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:19,136
You know, I think it's
the part that erik estrada
327
00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:21,138
Was born to play.
328
00:17:21,139 --> 00:17:23,173
Did I miss anything?
329
00:17:23,174 --> 00:17:25,242
Yes, peg, you did.
330
00:17:25,243 --> 00:17:28,311
Kids, show mommy
what she missed.
331
00:17:28,312 --> 00:17:30,447
This sucks, daddy!
You'll rot in a lowly grave!
332
00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:32,549
Why don't you take us home?
You're not my father!
333
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:34,317
Both:
We wanna go home!
We wanna go home!
334
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:39,723
About four hours of that, peg,
that's what you missed.
335
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:42,492
And you couldn't
wait for me, huh?
336
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:43,627
All right, look.
337
00:17:43,628 --> 00:17:45,362
It's almost 9:00.
338
00:17:45,363 --> 00:17:47,764
Traffic always thins out
about now.
339
00:17:47,765 --> 00:17:50,534
So everybody buckle
your seat belts up,
340
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:52,936
'cause any minute now,
341
00:17:52,937 --> 00:17:54,871
We ride.
342
00:17:56,107 --> 00:17:58,108
[birds chirping]
343
00:18:02,347 --> 00:18:04,248
Okay, kids,
rise and shine.
344
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:07,817
Where are we?
345
00:18:07,818 --> 00:18:10,220
No sense in starting the day
with stupid questions.
346
00:18:13,291 --> 00:18:15,192
Al, we haven't moved.
347
00:18:15,193 --> 00:18:17,661
[sobbing]
348
00:18:17,662 --> 00:18:19,530
That's it. Come on, kids.
We're going home.
349
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,098
Now, wait a second.
Where you going?
350
00:18:21,099 --> 00:18:23,200
You'll miss
all the fun.
351
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:25,402
Al, you reek.
352
00:18:27,872 --> 00:18:29,440
I reek?
353
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:31,041
I?
354
00:18:31,042 --> 00:18:32,309
I,
355
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:34,978
Who only wanted to share
in the joy and brotherhood
356
00:18:34,979 --> 00:18:37,715
Of a family outing,
reek?
357
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:40,351
Well, let me tell you
what reeks,
358
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:41,918
Okay?
359
00:18:48,226 --> 00:18:50,227
Now, what reeks
360
00:18:50,228 --> 00:18:54,865
Is this facade
that we call labor day.
361
00:18:54,866 --> 00:18:56,800
Honk if you hate labor day!
362
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:59,503
[horns honking]
363
00:19:00,104 --> 00:19:01,538
You know what else reeks?
364
00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:03,140
Families reek.
365
00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:05,342
Honk if you hate families!
366
00:19:05,343 --> 00:19:06,710
[horns honking]
367
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:13,083
Because they are truly
the reason labor day reeks.
368
00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:14,618
Once a year,
369
00:19:14,619 --> 00:19:16,987
They're on
these highways and byways.
370
00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:18,188
And what do they say?
371
00:19:18,189 --> 00:19:20,791
"we hate this."
"we hate you."
372
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:23,060
"idiot."
"moron."
373
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:25,162
"buffoon," daddy.
374
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:26,363
"buffoon, daddy."
375
00:19:26,364 --> 00:19:28,298
But what about us?
376
00:19:28,299 --> 00:19:29,967
The ones who truly labor?
377
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:31,935
We're on
this stinking road every day,
378
00:19:31,936 --> 00:19:33,336
Choking and wheezing,
379
00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:36,840
Marching along like lemmings
to a horrible, screaming death.
380
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:40,343
Who cries for us, argentina?
381
00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:42,779
Not our families.
382
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,581
Well, we can't expect that.
383
00:19:44,582 --> 00:19:47,751
The yoke on the oxen
feels no guilt.
384
00:19:47,752 --> 00:19:50,286
But what we can expect
385
00:19:50,287 --> 00:19:53,256
Is that on our one
lousy, stinkin' day off,
386
00:19:53,257 --> 00:19:54,491
Traffic can move us
387
00:19:54,492 --> 00:19:57,895
To our lousy, stinkin',
pathetic destinations.
388
00:19:57,896 --> 00:20:00,664
Al:
To our polluted beaches,
389
00:20:00,665 --> 00:20:02,366
Our burning forests,
390
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,034
Our wheezing grandmas,
391
00:20:04,035 --> 00:20:05,302
To our family barbecues
392
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:08,371
With uncle otto
and his runny eye.
393
00:20:08,372 --> 00:20:11,241
But does the highway department
prepare for us?
394
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:13,410
Are they out here
helping us?
395
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:15,312
Are they out there
in front of us,
396
00:20:15,313 --> 00:20:18,415
By that first damn car
that caused this traffic jam,
397
00:20:18,416 --> 00:20:21,151
Saying,
"step on the gas, you moron!
398
00:20:21,152 --> 00:20:23,320
Let the 20 million
people pass!"
399
00:20:23,321 --> 00:20:25,022
Al:
They are not.
400
00:20:25,023 --> 00:20:26,857
Why?
401
00:20:26,858 --> 00:20:29,693
Because they don't care.
402
00:20:29,694 --> 00:20:34,732
And that, my friends,
is what really reeks.
403
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:35,899
[horns honking]
404
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:46,443
So let's face it.
We're not moving.
405
00:20:46,444 --> 00:20:48,645
We're just lining up to die.
406
00:20:48,646 --> 00:20:50,246
But let's show them
407
00:20:50,247 --> 00:20:53,116
That the american spirit
is not dead.
408
00:20:53,117 --> 00:20:55,118
So join me, will you,
409
00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:58,187
On this, our labor day,
410
00:20:58,188 --> 00:21:00,323
And get out of your cars
411
00:21:00,324 --> 00:21:03,293
And tear this highway to bits!
412
00:21:04,662 --> 00:21:06,630
Go into your trunks!
413
00:21:06,631 --> 00:21:07,931
Get your tire irons
414
00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:09,233
And your road flares!
415
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,134
Burn, baby, burn!
416
00:21:11,135 --> 00:21:13,704
Vengeance is ours!
417
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:15,706
[cheering]
418
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,412
Al! We're moving!
419
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:23,012
Huh?
420
00:21:23,013 --> 00:21:24,514
Uh, we are...Moving.
421
00:21:24,515 --> 00:21:25,915
Everyone!
422
00:21:25,916 --> 00:21:27,984
We are moving.
423
00:21:27,985 --> 00:21:29,186
In your cars.
424
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:30,687
In your cars.
425
00:21:30,688 --> 00:21:32,456
Kids, let's go.
Let's go.
426
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,091
See? I told you
to stick with me.
427
00:21:34,092 --> 00:21:35,359
Now, buckle up.
428
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,927
Now,
429
00:21:38,096 --> 00:21:40,230
We ride.
430
00:21:40,231 --> 00:21:41,231
[wheel pops]
431
00:21:41,232 --> 00:21:42,966
[air hissing]
432
00:21:42,967 --> 00:21:44,234
Flat tire.
Everyone out.
433
00:21:46,170 --> 00:21:48,038
I'll see you
next Tuesday, al.
434
00:21:48,039 --> 00:21:49,340
Come on, kids,
we can still catch
435
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:52,108
Mark spitz and greg louganis
in swim gyms.
436
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:55,446
It's a story
about synchronized swimmers
437
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:58,582
That solve crimes
in their spare time.
438
00:21:58,583 --> 00:22:00,484
Fine. Go.
I don't need ya.
439
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,118
I got my people.
440
00:22:04,488 --> 00:22:05,989
People.
441
00:22:06,891 --> 00:22:09,125
I've got a flat tire.
442
00:22:09,126 --> 00:22:10,494
Who will help me?
443
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,029
[horns honking]
man: Move that car!
444
00:22:13,030 --> 00:22:15,666
[indistinct shouting]
445
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:16,733
Now-- now, there's no--
446
00:22:16,734 --> 00:22:18,635
There's no reason
to throw things.
447
00:22:18,636 --> 00:22:20,236
Now, get--
get back in your cars.
448
00:22:20,237 --> 00:22:21,338
Stay calm!
449
00:22:21,339 --> 00:22:23,040
All right,
let's get him!
450
00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,742
[indistinct shouting]
451
00:22:39,457 --> 00:22:41,524
[♪]